As many of you may have noticed, there has been a recent resurgence of mullets in our school. This epidemic, while slowly spreading, is draining the life from our once great school. You see, mullets are like old socks with tons of holes; the people who wear them tend to stink, and they never look good. They are 25% grease and 75% redneck – they simply have no place in today’s society.

Okay, maybe we went a little too far with our previous analogies. But for real though, are you trying to be the next Joe Dirt? They are so unacceptable that even Iran, a country stuck in times past, has banned the mullet. Yes, even the people who instinctively disagree with Americans on nearly every issue, foreign and domestic, agree that mullets are the skid mark on the underwear of society.

There are plenty of other attractive hairstyles – you can pull a Robert Downey Jr. or maybe even an Ed Sheeran. Perhaps a Bill Nye if you’re feeling bold. Have you noticed that all of these men are successful, intelligent and handsome; and yet none of them have mullets. A coincidence? I think not.

Not only does a mullet degrade your appearance, its poison seeps down through your scalp and erodes your intelligence. If a productive, active life full of romance and happiness is what you want, cut the mullet. You look like a fool.